Dilemma of Existence

Few days ago, someone told me that I can be an excellent journalist. He told me that I have the skill to convince people about my ideas. He also told me that he sees a bright future ahead of me. And believe it or not, at that moment, that's what I needed to hear.

I've been pondering about my life lately. I've been thinking about how it has been, how it is, and how it will be. Some times, I think of it positively - that I've been through a lot yet I've stayed strong and happy-go-lucky despite the circumstances. Most of the time, I pity myself because I feel so stationary to the extent that I think I'm stuck and I don't know where to go or even how to move. I look around and I see people moving forward with their lives while I'm still where I am a few years back, not moving. Yes, I gained strength but where does it take me? After everything, will what's yet to come still be worth it? Will I ever be worth it?

That, my friends, is the million dollar question. Am I worth it? Yes, maybe, to my mom - and don't get me wrong, she's enough but it doesn't stop me from thinking about the other people in my life who don't even bother to give me a second glance. I'm an attention seeker - maybe I got that from having abandonment issues since my dad left us - and I always want to have someone to see me, to comfort me, or to even show me a little affection but these days, I've been trying to convince myself that I should be my own confidante. I should be independent, unorthodox. I've been trying so hard to tell myself that I don't need anyone to show me love or compassion because I can do it myself. That's the problem, isn't it? Don't I need it?

I need it but from the right people. I may not be worth it but I will never lower my standards just because I'm going to settle for anyone. I don't want to be just another Juliet in Romeo and Juliet. I don't want to be Hazel Grace who only felt infinite just because she fell in love. I don't want to be Ana Steele who became a submissive for the man she loved. I don't want to be someone who will give an entire ocean when all she gets are puddles. I don't want anyone to kill for me, I can do it myself.  I want to be someone who doesn't give more but doesn't give less, as well. I'm all of that and more - so tell me, can someone love me?

I don't think so, too.